“I walk down the hallway and go into my room and call it a day and it calls me something else.”

“Three days ago, I was fired from my job teaching at a college because one of my studentsbet me that you don’t cum when you get a prostate exam and it took me seven minutesto prove that dumb fucking kid wrong. It was hard to touch my own prostate, butultimately, I was correct. I came onto the floor and onto the person in the desk up front.I said, “Kids, that is what is known as ‘empirical evidence’.”

“My ideal date would involve painful silence. My ideal date wouldn't involve me.”

“And I lie down on your carpet so long that you think I will stay forever but I get up and I see the indentation in the carpet and I get jealous and say, "I am no longer needed here.”

“If I ever find a dead horse, I am going to beat the fucking shit out of it.”

“And I saw my reflection in a lake and I waited for it to freeze a little bit so I could break it with my boot.”

“If I ever find a dead horse, I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of it.”