“My ideal date would involve painful silence. My ideal date wouldn't involve me.”

“I walk down the hallway and go into my room and call it a day and it calls me something else.”

“Three days ago, I was fired from my job teaching at a college because one of my studentsbet me that you don’t cum when you get a prostate exam and it took me seven minutesto prove that dumb fucking kid wrong. It was hard to touch my own prostate, butultimately, I was correct. I came onto the floor and onto the person in the desk up front.I said, “Kids, that is what is known as ‘empirical evidence’.”

“And I saw my reflection in a lake and I waited for it to freeze a little bit so I could break it with my boot.”

“My history is the history of things imagined and not-happened.”

“from the poem Holographic Personality Disgrace: Some people are such assholes that saying, "Look, again, I'm sorry I cut off my thumb and glued it to your baby's head because I thought you'd like him better as a unicorn" means nothing to them.”

“i am proud of my ability to be mean to myself, so i feel like i am not interested in protecting myself and maybe that’s a friendly quality because i don’t want to be a liar to people. i think the phrase “i am not important, so be nice” all the time.- from "Sam Pink Is the Dictator – An Interview with Sam Pink”