“But waiting is killing me. Don't they understand? Don't they remember what it feels like? I want to have things settled. I can't stand the idea of not knowing.”

“I can't believeno one else can hearI am screaminginside my head.Things are moving too fast. I am going to die.I am going to die. I am going to die.My hands are shaking.I try to squeeze them, try to make it stop,but now my fists are shaking,and this shaking is working it's way through me.It must look like I am having a fit.I want to let the scream out, but I think if I start, I'll never stop.It's not supposed to be like this.I am too young to die. I don't know how to make this end,and if it doesn't, I'll have to go to the hospital,be medicated, force-fed soft foods.I don't want to be that person.I am not that person.I am not. I am not.”

“I am fearful of romantic dinners,huge crowds, dusk -of normal things-afraid to be loved,the one thing I want most.Maybe it's because I don't think I deserve itbecause I am not that perfectlittle girl that I was supposed to be,well manicured and well groomed,because I have nervous breakdowns,and take pills,and keep moving on.”

“I feel like a marionette - like someone else is pulling the stringsand I have no choice but to comply.”

“I want things so bad that I force them, push them until they tear.”

“I have been telling myselfthat these feelings are new,but they aren't,I just didn't connect them before”

“Most days it feels like I am watching a moviewhere the sound isn't in sync, the speed is all wrong.Either I'm moving too quicklyand the world is dripping along,or the world is moving too quickly, cosmic,and I'm oozing like a slugbarely able to pull my own weight.It's best if I keep movingbecause if I stopped and stood stillpeople would see me shaking.”