“Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

“I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.”

“Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.”

“Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.”

“A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.”

“You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.”