“Whoever said you can't buy happiness has never been shopping.”
“You can't be late until you show up.”
“If you think things can't get any worse, you have no imagination.”
“There are few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosive.”
“I wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
“Never interrupt someone who is making a mistake.”
“I think, therefore I am... not related to you.”