“Parents: Perfecting ways to humiliate their children since the dawn of time.”

“Do not raise your children the way [your] parents raised you, they were born for a different time.”

“Since the dawn of time customer service has sucked.”

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.”

“The real questions for parents should be: "Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?" If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time. The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn't exist, and I've found what makes children happy doesn't always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.”

“I was only following orders," the Mayor mocks. "The refuge of scoundrels since the dawn of time.”