“No one gave me the secret decoder ring on how to make friends.”

“A dream dictionary is a one-size-fits-all-palm-reading-astrology-column-in-the-newspaper-carrot-equals-penis secret-code decoder.”

“When we discover the secrets behind the cryptograph that is the human gene, we will not only decode the mystery of life, but also unlock the secrets of God.”

“Best friends make the worst enemies, they know all your secrets and how to hurt you the most.”

“Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might receive on my Alien Communication Helmet. And after we receive and decode the messages, this female friend could help me make spaghetti with my aforementioned Alien Communication Helmet (it's basically a strainer with antennas). Please don’t send me telepathic thoughts, as it might disrupt transmissions from other galaxies. E-mail only if interested.”

“Raif spared me the embarrassment of making me wear one of his Lord of the Rings outfits.”