“I was investing more and more of myself into an outcome I couldn’t predict and would very likely be disappointed by. But for me there was no other option.”

“His eyes darted over the surface of my face. Like a moth to a blaze he was hesitant, seeming to crave my warmth but not its inevitable burn. He explored me from a distance with his unspoken desire, with the fear that touching me would set him to flame. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to prove very much the opposite.”

“Joel sat back in his chair and laughed at what seemed to be an inside joke, one in which I wanted very much to be let in on. An amiable smile stretched across his lips quoted by perfect dimples. I stared at him wanting nothing more than to indulge myself in that smile.”

“The longer I looked into his eyes the more I felt that he was leading me down a road that I was determined not to follow.”

“I knew that she couldn’t hear me if she was there. But the sound was enough to grab me, to hold me to hope, and with desperation that I’d never known before I knew that I must find my way back to her.”

“I’d never been the girl who invited strange men to my house. In fact, I generally took a while to invited guys I was dating over. But Joel had two things that made me want to break my usual protocol; information that could help me and intimate eyes. Clearly friendship was looking more like a plan B.”

“Friends, I told myself. We could be friends. Friends held hands all the time, and I hadn’t given up hope that maybe he could even be gay. Gay would be perfect.”