“It’s ok, Merrick. I get it. I’m sorry, I just...I just can’t handle it when people are upset with me and I can’t fix it somehow. I’ll stay out of your way, ok.” As I hopped down from the counter and turned to leave he grabbed my wrist and my skin immediately began to tingle.“You’re so blind,” he breathed shaking his head.”

“If this is really it…if you’re really done with me…will you let me hold you tonight?”“Please? I can’t sleep knowing you’re just a foot away, and I’m never gonna get the chance again.”I shut my eyes tight and then pushed away from the edge of the bed, turning down the blanket. He crawled in bed beside me, hastily pulling me tight into his arms. His bare chest rose and fell with uneven breaths, and I cursed myself for feeling so peaceful against his skin.“I’m going to miss this,” I said.”

“He lifts my hand from the root and presses it to his bare chest, over his heart. My breath stops. I wonder if he can feel the pulse racing in my wrist, because it’s beating just as quickly as his heartbeat.“Do you know the Ai’oan word for heart?” he asks.I shake my head.“It’s py’a.” We’re so close, his whisper is right in my ear, and his breath warms the side of my neck. “You are my heart, Pia”I lick my lips. When did they get so dry?His other hand cradles the back of my head, tipping my face upward. “A body can't live without a heart. And I can’t live without you.”

“Oh, Neverfell, you’re just not made for undercover work. You can’t lie, my dear, and I can. Leave Madame Appeline and the Doldrums to me. Stay here and keep your head down.”

“Sometimes I just want to go in a room and break things and scream. Like, it’s so much pressure all the time and if you get upset or angry, people say, ‘Are you on the rag of something?’ And it’s like I want to say, ‘No. I’m just pissed off right now. Can’t I just be pissed off? How come that’s not okay for me?’ Like my dad will say, ‘I can’t talk to you when you’re hysterical.’ And I’m totally not being hysterical! I’m just mad. And he’s the one losing it. But then I feel embarrassed anyway. So I slap on that smile and pretend everything’s okay even though it’s not.”

“I didn’t know what to say to that. I just stared at him. He was right, of course he was right, but… “I can’t do my job like this.” “No,” he said, “you can’t.” Then suddenly I felt the first tear slide down my face. “No crying,” he said. Another tear joined the first. I fought not to wipe at them. His hand dropped to his side and he took a deep breath. “That’s not fair. Don’t cry.” “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to, but you’re right, I think. I’m pregnant, damn it, not crippled.”