“1. Replace upstairs hall bathroom lightbulb.2. Get online and research Ferragamo shoes, then email someone named Kell to see if he could convert Ferragamos into weapons. 3. Order a replacement coat for the one that was torn. (see closet for coat) Make sure it matches exactly.4. Wash Cars.5. Take out trash for Rosa6. Most important, don't bitch.”

“These are: (1) the Moral Law; (2) Heaven; (3) Earth; (4) the Commander; (5) method and discipline.”

“1. Do what you say you're gonna do 2. Show up! 3. Give genuine praise whenever you can 4. Never say sorry when you don't mean it 5. Never use sarcasm in email (and use the corny ass emoticons)”

“The writer must be four people: 1) The nut, the obsede 2) The moron 3) The stylist 4) The critic. 1 supplies the material; 2 lets it come out; 3 is taste; 4 is intelligence.”

“1. Never forget--"they" are always the enemy.2. Just remember, assholes are born that way, and they usually don't change.3. You don't want to go to jail.4. When you start to take this job seriously, you're in trouble.5. It takes no more time to see the good side of life than it takes to see the bad.6. If you decide to run the ball, just count on fumbling and getting the shit knocked out of you a lot, but never forget how much fun it is just to be able to run the ball!”

“I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.”