“Do Mom and Dad know you’re dating a homicidal lunatic? (Madaug)No, and if you tell them, I’ll superglue your fingertips to your keyboard. (Eric)”

“I’d have given any- thing to know how Mom and Dad were, but you can’t ask your parents such questions. You have to wait for them to tell you what it is that will happen next...”

“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.”

“Buy this book or I’ll take it personally, and I will have my revenge. I’ll steal your girlfriend or make out with your dad. It doesn’t matter to me. Whichever will hurt worse. My vengeance knows no sexuality. You don’t want this. Your dad does though. Yeah, like you didn’t know your parents’ marriage was a sham. Come on. Open your fucking eyes.”

“Just know that you can. I won’t tell. I might not be able to do much for you, but I’ll hold your secrets.”

“Well, then I’m going to have to kick your ass. No one gets to punish you. Enough of this shit, Kyle. You’re more than this. You know better than this. Yes, Mom left. But Dad stayed. I stayed. You’re more than enough for us. This is our family. You don’t get to throw away your life. I’m sorry, but you don’t. This is self-serving bullshit.”