“Fine. Let’s begin with something even you can’t screw up.” – Death“Way to build up my crappy confidence there. You should volunteer for the suicide hotline.” – Nick“What makes you think I don’t?” – Death”

“What the hell? We’re all screwed up some way. At least you bathe and I don’t have to fight you for chicks. In my book, that makes you all right.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be in pain, and I definitely don’t want to suffer.” – Nick“Well…The only way to avoid them is to die.” – Death“Okay, let’s change the topic now. Oh, look! A chicken.” – Nick”

“This is your pendulum map. It’ll answer any yes or no question you ask. All you have to do is focus your mind on the question and hover the pendulum over the page. In time, you’ll be able to ask more complicated questions and it’ll spell out the answers.” – Death “Duly awesome. Will I lose my vir–Hey!” – Nick “Stop being stupid and take this seriously.” – Death “What’s wrong with asking that, anyway?” – Nick “It’s a stupid concern.” – Death “What are you? Asexual or something?” – Nick“My libido is fine, Nick. However, it takes a distant second place to my need to kill people who annoy me.” – Death”

“Fine. You win. I quit. You two deal with this. I’m going home. Packing up all my personal items, and when you, Caleb, end up dead because the coach has your jockstrap or something else I didn’t steal but someone else did, don’t call me. I’m done and I’m going to hide in a bunker until all of this is over with.” – Nick“I hate you, Nick.” – Caleb“Feels mutual, Demon.” – Nick”

“You don’t mock my mother. You don’t speak of her in anything but the most reverent of tones. I don’t care if you are Death, I will open a can of Cajun whup-ass all over you, boy.” – Nick “Normally, I’d be hanging you the can opener and daring you to go for it. Be glad I owe a debt that precludes me from killing you right now. But don’t push it. While you have a predetermined death, your own free will decisions can override that. Put that in the bank and think about it before you try to make a withdrawal.” – Death”

“What do you mean I have a predetermined death?” – Nick“Did I stutter?” – Death “No.” – Nick“Do I look like Webster’s?” – Death “No.” – Nick “Then you should understand what I said, since I didn’t speak in code. Every mortal creature is born with an expiration date. Some immortals, too. Set by the big clockmaker. But excessive stupidity and moronic tendencies can shorten it. Pissing me off is one really good way to cut yours down to three seconds from now.” – Death”