“Hard to argue with a woman, period. Only time a man wins with one of them is when the woman is either on TV or dead. (Jack)”

“Anyone ever tell you you should be a lawyer? (Otto) Only Bill when we argue. Besides, I like killing bloodsuckers too much to ever be one of them. Tabitha Deveraux. Pleased to meet you. (Tabitha)”

“No woman has ever killed a man while he was washing dishes.”

“Knock, knock. (Desiderius) Now, ain't this a bitch. Here I am, trying to kiss my girl, and you have to interrupt us. What, were you raised in a barn? By the way, touch the woman, or the Lamborghini, and you're a dead man. (Kyrian)”

“You’re not pregnant, are you? (Jack)What would make you think that? (Syd)Barefoot. Pregnant. Them things go hand in hand, ‘cause them pregnant women have feet that can swell up to ten times their normal size. (Jack)”

“You're the only man I know who can have sex with a woman who looks that good and be in this bad a mood ten minutes later. Damn, didn't you know sex is supposed to make you feel better? (Nick)”

“Caleb could be so testy for no known reason. At times, it was like dating a woman with irritable bowel syndrome. Or rabies.”