“Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on. ”

“The sound of a harpsichord – two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm. ”

“A musicologist is a man who can read music but can’t hear it. ”

“There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between.”

“Try everything once, except folk dancing and incest.”

“Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands – and all you can do is scratch it.”

“Whoso List to HuntWhoso list to hunt, I know where is an hind, But as for me, helas! I may no more. The vain travail hath worried me so sore, I am of them that furthest come behind. Yet may I by no means, my worried mind Draw from the deer; but as she fleeth afore Fainting I follow. I leave off therefore, Since in a net I seek to hold the wind. Who list her hunt, I put him out of doubt, As well as I, may spend his time in vain; And graven in diamonds in letters plain There is written, her fair neck round about, "Noli me tangere, for Caesar's I am,And wild to hold, though I seem tame." Sir Thomas Wyatt”