“I can't help giving her the Mummy Once-Over myself, and she's one of those mothers who wears Crocs over nubbly homemade socks. (Why would you do that? Why?)”

“A mother in J Brand skinny jeans with an impeccably dressed daughter walks past, giving me the Mummy Once-over, and I flinch. Since I had Minnie, I’ve learned that the Mummy Once-over is even more savage than the Manhattan Once-over. In the Mummy Once-over, they don’t just assess and price your clothes to the nearest penny in one sweeping glance. Oh no. They also take in your child’s clothes, pram brand, nappy bag, snack choice and whether your child is ­ smiling, snotty or screaming. Which I know is a lot to take in, in a one-second glance, but believe me, mothers are multi-taskers.”

“Jennifer Aniston and Her New Man'" I read the words aloud uncertainly. "What new man? Why would she need a new man?""Oh yes." Nicole follows my gaze, unconcerned. "You know she split up from Brad Pitt?""Jennifer and Brad split?" I stare up at her, aghast. "You can't be serious! They can't have done!""He went off with Angelina Jolie. They've got a daughter.""No!" I wail. "But Jen and Brad were so perfect together! They looked so good and they had that lovely wedding picture and everything....""They're divorced now." Nicole shrugs, like it's no big deal.I can't get over this. Jennifer and Brad divorced. The world is a different place.”

“And anyway," I continue, lifting my head nobly, "who-ever it was, whether I knew them or not, if I could help them in some way, I would. I mean, if you can help, you have to help. Don't you think?”

“She was the most beautiful thing you ever saw. She was radiant. And she was wearing this necklace... When you see the necklace in the painting, it all makes sense. He loved her. Even if she lived to one hundred and five without ever getting an answer.”

“A cold dismay creeps over me. Oh okay, maybe I did once kind of pretend I had a stalker. Which I shouldn't have done. But I mean, just because you invent one tiny stalker - that doesn't make you a complete nut case, does it?”

“Why can't parents dance? Is it some universal law of physics or something?”