“I’m a nice person. I give money to starving babies and properly tip my hairdresser. Why am I the one everyone tries to kill?”

“I don't think Jennifer and I are really at the child stage yet. We have been discussing a nice house plant. If we don't kill that, then in a few years, we might try a fish.”

“This was taken when my brother was last on leave. My mom’s new boyfriend took it. Now there’s an insane person. Well, he’s from the next town over. Everyone in that freaking town is butt-fuck crazy. I’m totally moving there one day.”

“My name is Lieutenant Meyer. I'll be your rescuer today. This rescue of your person is brought to you by the United States Navy and SEAL Team 8. we hope you have a nice rescue, and please feel free to fill out the questionnaire at the end of the trip. Tips are welcome.”

“I don’t think about that day the crazy lady tried to shoot Abby but got you instead. It was an awful day. When it does cross my mind, I turn it around and think about something nice, like Abby’s pussy. I just take a deep breath and picture it in my mind. It’s my happy place.”

“I’ve been fully instructed. I’m to hold you if you cry and rub some salve into your butt so it doesn’t sting anymore. I am not to play with your boobs.”Jack sent his brother a stern look.“Or anything else,” Lucas concluded with a gulp. “I can pat your back and try really hard not to get an erection.”

“Look, when I’m here, I don’t have to think. I don’t have to worry. I don’t even have to be me if I don’t want to. That came out wrong. I don’t have to be the me I have to be all day.”