“I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”

“After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it”

“Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?' 'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.' 'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.”

“(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".”

“The die was cast. It was a proud day for the Milligan family as I was taken from the house. "I'm too young to go," I screamed as Military Policemen dragged me from my pram, clutching a dummy. At Victoria Station the R.T.O. gave me a travel warrant, a white feather and a picture of Hitler marked "This is your enemy." I searched every compartment, but he wasn't on the train. At 4.30, June 2nd, 1940, on a summer's day all mare's tails and blue sky we arrived at Bexhill-on-Sea, where I got off. It wasn't easy. The train didn't stop there.”

“I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”

“The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.”