“My sister Laura's bigger than meAnd lifts me up quite easily.I can't lift her, I've tried and tried;She must have something heavy inside.”

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.”

“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. ”

“Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?”

“Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy. ”

“Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

“Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?' 'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.' 'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.”