“The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.”

“With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.”

“I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”

“General: Where are you from?Spike: London.General: Which part?Spike: ... Well, all of me.”

“(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".”

“Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?' 'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.' 'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.”

“After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it”