“Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?”

“(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".”

“My sister Laura's bigger than meAnd lifts me up quite easily.I can't lift her, I've tried and tried;She must have something heavy inside.”

“With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.”

“Author, author, did you write these legs?( The Milligan- Puckoon”

“The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.”

“General: Where are you from?Spike: London.General: Which part?Spike: ... Well, all of me.”