“I just tripped over a pair of shoes and almost fell down and broke my neck and no I wasn't wearing them.”

“I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death.”

“I hope to die with dignity and not be on my death bed pondering the afterlife wearing a diaper named Depends.”

“Today's my birthday On mans scale 53 is a life more than 1/2 over. On the infinite scale of an eternal being I am just a cell of life that has forever to go!”

“I've been playing the game of life for over 52 years now and I don't feel one day younger or older than I am. Maybe its I just don't feel”

“When I get to Heaven I just know I'm going to forget my toothbrush.”

“My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny.”