“When people tell me to go fly a kite I tell them to go dig a ditch. They say "why dig a ditch"? I say because I want to be closer to Heaven than you.”

“When I get to Heaven I just know I'm going to forget my toothbrush.”

“Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals saying they don't eat clowns because the taste funny”

“When my mind plays tricks on me I can deal. But when my mind plays tricks on my mind I can not tell what's real”

“I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.”

“When I finally applied logic to Religion that was when I quit paying after life insurance and quit going”

“A friend once said his father use to say "I don't want to be a millionaire I just want to live like one" if we could all be so lucky.”