“You are only as good as your last book”

“Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u...”

“You act like a team player,you be nice to everyone for your entire life,then you die.”

“My wife Staci made me go to a wedding last weekend...If it weren’t for her, I’d be happy.”

“I recently forced myself to read a book on quantum physics, just to try and learn something new. I was confused by the middle of the first sentence and it all went downhill from there. The only thing I can remember learning is that a parallel universe can theoretically be contained on the head of a needle. I don't really know what that means, but I am now more careful handling needles.”

“It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian tiger-from a distance, preferably separated by bars.”

“One should take good care never to treat one’s own moral code as something universally valid”