“It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian tiger-from a distance, preferably separated by bars.”

“Whenever I see people with their collars up, I'm tempted to point it out to them like you would for someone who has a food stain on their shirt or food in their teeth, as if to say, 'Your fashion sense is so offensive I'm assuming it's some sort of accident you'll want to fix.”

“Scott Adams: From him, I learned how to write a three-panel comic. Probably the best pure writer on the comics page.”

“You act like a team player,you be nice to everyone for your entire life,then you die.”

“When you can't draw chameleons and you can't draw blenders, it's a bad idea to write strips where chameleons become blenders.”

“Most poetry just confounds me. I really want to like it, but I can't help thinking it's a hoax. (p. 24)”

“I seem to be able to get away with pun strips if I add a panel at the end where I somehow indicate that I know it's a bad pun.”