“A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. (When America fell victim to the British Invasion).”

“...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.”

“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”