“brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.”

“There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.”

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”

“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”

“Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.”

“I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.”

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”