“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”

“Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.”

“President Bush, have a hot dog with me.”

“Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.”

“Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.”

“Baptists:I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.”

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.”