“If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!”

“Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.”

“Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.”

“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.”

“Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.”

“I love making observations. That one is a classic example.”

“It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.”