“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”

“It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.”

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”

“Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.”

“The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.”

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”

“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.”