“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”

“Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!”

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

“I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.”