“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”

“Baptists:I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.”

“A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?”

“What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”

“So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”

“Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.”