“(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.”

“I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news ... if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you're right.”

“Every liberal in the country must watch Fox News for one year, and every conservative in the country must watch MSNBC for one year. (Middle-of-the-roaders could stick with CSI)”

“Whenever I watch a documentary about the space, I find the news in the world very funny and dull!”

“I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis.Election, erection, election, erection!Either way we're screwed!”

“You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.”