“President Bush, have a hot dog with me.”

“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”

“That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.”

“Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.”

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”