“So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”

“Lookin up at the huge baboons, I wondered if Khufu had some sort of secret baboon code that would get us in. But instead he barked at the statues and cowered heroically behind my legs.”

“I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.”

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

“Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.”

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”

“My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.”