“That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.”

“It’s clear that when we’re this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That’s why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?“Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” I’d say that about covers it.”

“Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.”

“The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.”

“Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.”

“I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.”

“Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”