“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”

“Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.”

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

“It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.”

“It’s clear that when we’re this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That’s why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?“Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” I’d say that about covers it.”

“Unfortunately, most of today’s women resemble bowerbirds that force suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn’t meet her standards doesn’t get to mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, and watches bowerbird porn.”