“Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!”

“I'm going to put them in the slam, my friend, and if I hear they got their puckery little assholes cored down there in Thomaston, I'm gonna send them cards saying I hope whoever did it had AIDS.”

“I'm not going to say goodbye, in case God hears and thinks I'm ready to go.”

“A good story is like a good bowel movement: it's only really satisfying once it's ended, because if you just keep going eventually your body runs out of shit and moves on to pushing all your internal organs out your sphincter until only a foul smelling shell remains and anyone who wants to get into your incredibly long poo gets turned off because they have to go through all the poo up until that point to have the necessary context.”

“I can't believe I just heard the last words I'll ever hear from Hannah Baker."I'm sorry." Once again, those were the words. And now, anytime someone says I'm sorry, I'm going to think of her.”

“Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.”