“Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your statethat makes people want to flee the Earth?"- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005”

“Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.”

“Morris Weissman [on the phone, discussing casting for his movie]: "What about Claudette Colbert? She's British, isn't she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British?”

“Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost.Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.”

“Now Karen wants a pill that will make the whole twenty-first century disappear - that will make this unavoidable future vanish. Dr Yamato said that earth was not built for six billion people, all running around and being passionate about being alive. Earth was built for about two million people foraging for roots and grubs.”

“Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.”