“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.”

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”

“That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.”

“Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.”

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

“The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.”