“I'm fat because I'm greedy, and if my mind is fat it's because I'm curious.”

“I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.”

“My first words, as I was being born [...] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.”

“If you have been, I'm glad you've stopped.”

“I'm not even tone deaf, that's the arse-mothering, fuck-nosed, bugger-sucking wank of the thing.”

“It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]”

“Cheat? Good heavens, this is an amateur cricket match amongst leading prep schools, I'm an Englishman and a schoolmaster supposedly setting an example to his young charges. We are playing the most artistic and beautiful game ever devised. Of course I'll cunting well cheat. Now, give me my robe and put on my crown. I have immortal longings in me.”