“Getting help from a guy like you is like hiring a pyromaniac to fix the oil-burner.”

“As long as you burn like oil you’ll shine like light. If you are shining, it is because you are burning like oil”

“Remember, Peter: you are some hybrid of friend and hired help. You have latitude, but you can't get uppity.”

“Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is placed on top of a two-legged piano. I should know, because I’m the guy trying to tune that piano, fix that chair, and affix a prosthetic leg to that guy—who happens to be my piano teacher. Mr. Balloonky, you get down from there now!
”

“Sorry, Sam, but I call 'em like see 'em. When you hire a nanny for the kids, you hire Mrs. Doubtfire. When you hire someone who looks like Sunny...well, then I'm afraid you hired her for yourself.”

“Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.”