“It's like the old pie-in-the-face routine: it stops being funny when it starts being you.”

“Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.”

“A slice of pie without cheese, it's like a kiss without squeeze...”

“If you liked being a teenager, there's something really wrong with you.”

“It's only a little secret, but having a secret makes me feel better. Like a human being again.”

“Life is like Friday on a soap opera. It gives you the illusion that everything is going to wrap up, and then the same old shit starts up on Monday.”

“Eventual, as Pug used to say. When he wanted to say something was really good, he's never say it was awesome, like most people do; he'd say it was eventual. How funny is that? The old Pugmeister. I wonder how he's doing.”