“Used a replica gun to steal a replica sportscar and experienced a replica of remorse”

“Gun stripping is the tea ceremony of America.”

“Scientists used to do an experiment whereby a dog’s repeated reward for performing a task was unaccountably replaced by punishment. The dog, knowing it would be penalized for doing well or doing badly, would become melancholic and inactive. This and other unforeseeable results were funded by taxing up to sixty percent of people’s earnings. People became strangely melancholic and inactive”

“a story is ready when it falls from your face”

“Ideas are self-replenishing, like snot”

“One golfer a year is hit by lightning. This may be the only evidence we have of god’s existence.”

“The most amusing thing about a pantomime horse is the necessity of having to shoot it twice.”