“I don`t think of myself as funny- I don`t fill up a room with my humor...I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.”

“I`m already seeing my daughter`s cynical sense of humor and she`s 6! I bought these shoes, and I`m thinking I`m a cool dad, I`m going to show her my new half-boot shoes. So I said, "What do you think of these?" And she`s like, "Mmm no, not liking them." (2007)”

“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day.”

“I have no idea where my pathetic nature comes from. If I thought about it too long, it would depress me.”

“I think a character in a comedy should not know they`re in a comedy.”

“I am a crazy, rabid squirrel! I want my cookies!” — Hammy, the Squirrel”

“In my wildest dreams i never thought- well, I never thought I'd work”