“I hate hospitals, in my mind they are associated with sickness.”

“I am a crazy, rabid squirrel! I want my cookies!” — Hammy, the Squirrel”

“In my wildest dreams i never thought- well, I never thought I'd work”

“I`m already seeing my daughter`s cynical sense of humor and she`s 6! I bought these shoes, and I`m thinking I`m a cool dad, I`m going to show her my new half-boot shoes. So I said, "What do you think of these?" And she`s like, "Mmm no, not liking them." (2007)”

“I have no idea where my pathetic nature comes from. If I thought about it too long, it would depress me.”

“I don`t think of myself as funny- I don`t fill up a room with my humor...I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.”

“I have flaws, what are they? Oh, I don't know, I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, occasionally I'll hit someone with my car.”