“I think a character in a comedy should not know they`re in a comedy.”

“I`m already seeing my daughter`s cynical sense of humor and she`s 6! I bought these shoes, and I`m thinking I`m a cool dad, I`m going to show her my new half-boot shoes. So I said, "What do you think of these?" And she`s like, "Mmm no, not liking them." (2007)”

“I don`t think of myself as funny- I don`t fill up a room with my humor...I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.”

“I have flaws, what are they? Oh, I don't know, I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, occasionally I'll hit someone with my car.”

“You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

“They say that when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. Well with Carol I knew within the first 24 minutes... of the second day that I met her.”

“Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.” — Dan Burns”