“I'm not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.”

“I'm an early bird and I'm an owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.”

“So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a big fish in a little pond. Where as back here in Scranton I'm still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss, the dog or the fish?”

“Nothing to me feels as good as laughing incredibly hard.”

“Everyone said to Vincent van Gogh, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you.”

“That is a perfectly good mini Christmas tree. We are going to sell that to charity because that is what Christmas is all about.”

“Joan Baxter (Lauren Graham): “You want to build a boat?”Evan Baxter: “It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don’t know. [looking at his feet, under his breath] Be great in case it floods or something…”