“These are not my shoes.”

“I`m already seeing my daughter`s cynical sense of humor and she`s 6! I bought these shoes, and I`m thinking I`m a cool dad, I`m going to show her my new half-boot shoes. So I said, "What do you think of these?" And she`s like, "Mmm no, not liking them." (2007)”

“I hate hospitals, in my mind they are associated with sickness.”

“I am a crazy, rabid squirrel! I want my cookies!” — Hammy, the Squirrel”

“In my wildest dreams i never thought- well, I never thought I'd work”

“I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn’t cotton candy like the guy said… my tummy itches.”

“I have no idea where my pathetic nature comes from. If I thought about it too long, it would depress me.”