“Communicating with the federal government is like talking to a computer that's crashing.”

“And if Henry Higgins is not the most reprehensible character ever written for the stage, that's only because somewhere, somehow, someone is composing a musical biography of Ronald Reagan”

“Hucky was so dazzled by the view of the colored lights from Forty-seventh Street, he could only manage to ask me two questions: (1) "doesn't it look like Christmas?" and (2) "Why is that man peeing on the street?" So I told him (1) "Yes," and (2) "Because that's the way they do it in New York. But you have to have a license first." I had to lie through my teeth about the last part because I'd already jumped ahead to what he was planning when we got out of the cab.”

“Like there's actually a need for Greenland. You can get ice at 7-Eleven.”

“Just because you discover that you may like somebody after all, it doesn't necessarily mean there's any attraction.”

“Falling hard for somebody makes you do things you never thought you'd do before. Like pulling off an A in History or finally facing the truth about yourself”

“Let's also not forget Wei's immortal words to him nine minutes after he was born, when she first stared into those big brown eyes: 'Oh, honey. Promise me you'll grow up to like boys. Because I don't want any other woman in your life except me.”