“Being on Twitter is like having a fern.”

“He gave her his phone number, in a peculiar reversal of dating procedure. She might have considered kissing him, even after the horrible first date, but he just didn’t seem to know what to do. However, Jeremy does have one outstanding quality. He likes her. And this quality in a person makes them infinitely interesting to the person who is being liked.”

“My most persistent memory of stand - up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the mouth speaking the line, the body delivering the gesture, while the mind looks back, observing, analyzing, judging, worrying, and then deciding when and what to say next. Enjoyment while performing was rare - enjoyment would have been an indulgent loss of focus that comedy cannot afford.”

“…when the person beside you is making you alert and keen and the idea of being with anyone else is not imaginable…”

“Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

“Hello. I'm hello, and I'd like to say myself.”